Dear Love
It has been a some time since we have seen each other, and your presence is greatly missed. The first time we met, I was frightened by you. I questioned "why would you want me, and what made me worthy of you?" Out of fear, I abused you. Thinking I would be rejected, I neglected you. You had no choice but to leave. Please forgive me for pushing you away.
The second time you came around, I was determined to make it work. After experiencing the beauty of you, I wanted to prove I had learned to accept you. So I put up with a lot and ignored many signs because I did not want to let you down. I was so in need of the high you gave, I yielded my heart to someone who did not completely understand you. I suffered greatly trying to manufacture something as divine as you. In the process of desperately wanting to experience you, I paid a high price. I cashed in my self-respect, standards, dignity, and my faith (almost).
I wanted you so bad, but you were not present. Once this synthetic or faux love came to an end, my heart was completely hardened. I was remorseful that I tried to force your return. I was bitter because I knew it was not you; and I allowed the façade to go on too long. I was hurt. Trying to create Love is far more painful than waiting on you. I owe you an apology for imitating you and becoming so bitter that I started to question your existence. Next time I am blessed with your presence, I will receive you with open arms. I will not question why you returned. I will not question whether I am worthy of you. I know that I am.
When I am certain it is you, I will gladly give you my heart. You can be trusted. There is no desire to reject you because you accept me. There is no need to impress you because you are completely into me. I now know I can trust you with my insecurities. I know you will not find the scars of my life repulsive. I am certain I can trust you with my fears because in your perfection, you take them away. I am convinced my past sins will not intimidate you because you cover a multitude of them.
I no longer fear you, and I will not rush your return. I will continue to prepare my heart for your residency. I am daily cleaning out my skeletons and facing my demons because You deserve my whole heart. So know my heart is open to you again. Know that I am preparing myself to receive and keep you next time. There will be no games you will have to win or walls you will have to break down. I no longer possess a list of how tall you are; how much you make; and what you must look like. I just want you in the package you choose to come in. You graciously accepted me, and I will extend that grace back to you.
Sincerely,
Charity Israel
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